I Hate The Bus | Diss public transportation to your heart's content

Bus Shelters

Yes, bus shelters. As a bus rider, I've encountered my fair share of them. I mean some stops don't even have them. So finding out especially on a blisteringly hot day, or a rain filled one should be a God-send, right? Wrong. Nope, these little shelters tend to be rather random in condition, how much coverage they provide and how gross they are.

In the better areas of town, they tend to be well maintained and look maybe a few years old. But in other places – I'd rather stand and not risk getting tetanus from some of the older ones. Some, you just wonder if the city simply forgot about them.

Many of them in my area are small and tend to be able to house maybe four or so people at one. And considering a lot of us aren't thin stick people (no offense stick people) and so cram together like sardines inside one, especially if it's raining. People so don't plan ahead for the rain. And even if you can fit inside, sometimes the sides have these gaps of space, so that if it did rain, you still get wet.

Then it's not so much the size or age, but the cleanliness of them. Now I'll admit this: I hate gum. I hate the smell of it, the sound of it being chewed, the look of it, the cow-like way you have to chew and enjoy it...ick. But you aren't supposed to swallow it either. So it has to be disposed of. Guess where it goes? And then you get the unpleasant risk of sitting down and feeling some get onto your clothing! Yeah. Ugh.

Bus shelters. What an oxymoron!

Stupid advertising

As I wait around for the first bus in my daily commute, I look around my surroundings. OK level of care taken to my bus shelter. IE, it isn't covered in copious amounts of graffiti, gum or trash. People, despite the stereotype, actually aren't terrible to hang around with. Most, like me, simply want to go to point A to point B.

Aside from the random drunk, lost person or loud talker, the commute so far isn't terrible. And then I look at the bus itself. See, where I live most buses are rather plain. Maybe they will have a boring ad here or there. But I've noticed a trend especially on the MAX buses – full bus ads. No, not a normal looking marquee but a full-on ad covering the entire bus.

I cringe as I glanced at the happy, overly smiling people (Always the two same black people, the two same white people, a dog and some random kid. Stop using the same exact four or so people, I swear those four adult actors are on every advertisement ever made since the 2000s.) with a clearly Photoshopped background that similar people probably never stood in front of in their lives.

I mean ...the pointlessness of them. The tackiness. I feel less inclined to go visit the waterfront with a bunch of goofy clearly paid actors telling me how awesome it is. Residents of the area know the ads are BS and out-of-towners -I'd hope – are not that gullible.

Bus air freshener

Yeah, I said it. You buses ...good job on not stinking. I'm amazed how buses never seem to let themselves stink. And it's not the time of the day; I've ridden buses early in the morning to late at night. But I've definitely ridden school buses and subways before and they all have that 'people-were-horded-in-here-all-day' smell to them.

I know bus drivers end their days cleaning them, but there's only so much you can do to keep a smell out over the day. People (despite the rules) sneakily eat and drink. Some carry food on, only to drop it by accident. Human beings as living creatures cannot help but expel gas as they sit and wait for their next stop to show up. And some people despite society saying to do the opposite, refuse to bathe before coming on board.

Do buses just not hold in scent? Are there hidden air fresheners stashed everywhere? It is a mystery that I in those boring down times between stops (and have read all of my pocketed book of the day) mull about? Now don't get me wrong. I am super happy that buses (at least in my area) don't stink. But something magical is going on here. I don't see one dangling pine tree or hose or even a Febreze spray. I doubt bus riders are simply cleaner people – how is the dreaded 'people smell' eliminated? It's a mystery I may never figure out. Eh, I can live with not gagging from terrible scents. Now if only terrible sights like nasty-shoved-into-corner-gum would leave my mind...

When you HAVE to go

The 'holding-it' dance

Oh don't lie. EVERYONE'S done the 'holding-it' dance. When you are at home and the lone bathroom is occupied and your bladder is mad as hell about it. When you are at a concert and the only options are the gross port-o-potties filled with cringing layers of other people who can't aim or the grass...if only defecating in the middle of the concert wasn't illegal. Or when you are watching Lord of the Rings again and are heading into hour three realizing that big gulp was probably not a good thing to drink before movie.

At least in those instances, you could go somewhere and try to relieve yourself. On the bus, it is worse. Ten times worse. What if you had a nice lunch. You knew the bus ride would be long, namely because the drivers go at a snail's pace. You made note to drink just enough to satisfy. You even went religiously to the bathroom to empty yourself so that this wouldn't happen. You think you possess a rather healthy bladder.

You do all these precautions, but then that horrible feeling arrives and that realization that you were wrong hits you as your traitorous bladder swishes with more fluid.

You've already been sitting on the bus for 30 minutes, crammed with strangers, some who may even feel your pain. Stop after stop you hold it, thinking "Oh, I can hold it, I'll wait." But in truth, you simply don't know the area enough to switch off the bus to use the facilities. You only pass through from home to work. You don't know if this place is full of criminals (pro tip: if you don't know the area, it probably is full of criminals).

Actually, your reason was more noble than that. That painful wiggle and knowing that getting off means spending more on a ticket. Spending more money you don't have, or more ironically spending change you don't have, as the rest of your non-existent bus allotted funds sit on your various pieces of plastic because we live post-2000 and everyone uses credit cards.

I hate the holding-it dance. The bus jerking around at every stop does NOT help.

Suspended for farting

No really. A kid was suspended for farting. Now consider the movie Bully where kids punch, choke and abuse each other, to parents that rage at you for small stuff, to kids having the goal to not sit down on a moving bus, bus drivers have many things to worry about when they drive around the future generations. But seriously, farting?

Was the kid running around with a fart gag? Yes, they do sell fart sound makers, but other than the noise, they are harmless. At worst, the thing would just gross you out. But if the child really was farting...well you can't stop a normal reaction. Despite the TV saying that normal body functions are evil and should be avoided, you have to fart sometime.

Was the kid's gas that damn deadly? Was he letting it out like a machine gun (you know what I'm talking about)? It just seems silly for a suspension. Unless that kid was literally backing up against the bus driver and farting in their face, causing the driver to not be able to drive, I find this a tad ridiculous.

At least it is now verified – farts are scary. I myself will admit to having some lethal farts. If I had only known they were suspension level threatening, I'd so done it while in school. The kids at school weren't the most personable anyway so hell, I should've let one rip for great justice. Of course old people farts are way more potent than young kid farts, so my master plan may have fallen on deaf ears and not so sensitive noses.

Hippy bus dreams

I may hate driving. I may even hate driving anything other than a compact car. But I so always wanted a hippy van. No, not a shag wagon or a creeper van, but a full-on, painted-to-hell HIPPY VAN. I wanted a van so colorful that it made you trip out sans drugs; you could lick it and swear you were on acid, and could never evade anyone in the tri state area. Was it the years of my childhood watching Scooby Doo? Was it my guilty longing to be born in the 60s? Or the open dialog on drug use and its effects?

I don’t know, but hippy buses just appeal to me.

The free colors, the artsy without being pretentious nature of the artwork, the simple nature of an old school bus-there’s something magical about them. I wish my school buses during school were so full of happy infectious energy. People were happy; they weren't bullying each other like school children, nor worn down by life like people on public transportation buses.

I then wonder, would a 60s era hippy be a great bus driver and/or passenger? I can see in either role them being a calm, less irritable breed of people. Yet remember, hippies are laid back due to being ‘high on life.’ A passenger may be harmless yet annoying, chatting about the meaning of life to bordered everyday passengers. They may even spell like ‘incense.’ But the driver? I’d rather a driver not be too stoned to drive. I mean a bus driver has to be aggressive to cut through traffic as it is…and well that whole driving impaired thing.

Sigh…so no hippies on the bus. I still want a van though.

Please don't eat on the bus

OK, people. Why can’t you eat your meals elsewhere and not on the bus? It’s gross. No not the natural act of eating in general. Well that depends on an individual's eating skills so as not to consume food like a slob. But even slobs have the common decency to eat on a non-moving vehicle. And before the bigger ones in the audience chime in – no I don’t mean you. When I say slob, I mean someone who despite being taught how to eat neatly from their parents, how to use napkins, to eat with their mouth closed and other things, proceed to chew like a farmland cow, dribbling food all down their face and around themselves.

This grossness is amplified x1000 on a cramped, moving vehicle. You know why? Because on said vehicle, you sit closer to the sights, the smells, the sounds, you experience it all and you can’t move away to avoid it. Also, said eaters without fail are sloppy too, dripping it everywhere including the floor.

Don’t you guys realize that those bus floors are a bitch to clean? No you don’t. You are too busy eating the shit out of those chili dogs from the local Hardees, using napkins in a losing war to keep your fingers clean.

At least you sort of tried. C for effort. But you know what’s worse about you guys that eat on the bus? You make the rest of us either grossed out or hungry. Seeing you gobble down that box lunch like a wild beast could remind me, with my small budget, that I indeed had nothing to eat today. Or it could kill what want I had in eating at all. There’s only so much an appetite I can have seeing people dropping a whole hot dog into their trough.

There is no shortage of bus themed games

Despite the few games that I have seen out there on the subject of busses, and more on the fact that if said game doesn’t have a GTA or Saint’s Row in front of some numbers, I have pointed out over and over that the game will more than likely suck. This warning was never heard. I found a literal jackpot of bus themed games. Some with the goal of racing against other vehicles. Some wanting you to cause mayhem.

But the majority wanted to simulate the overwhelming fun that is bus driving.

Why? What motivates a player to search for a short game involving buses? Do they go ‘man I so want to drive a bus from point A to point B dropping people off and doing it over and over again’ and in such sentiment go out and do so?* I mean c’mon! Buses can only be exciting when you can cram them with nitrous and drive them around like in crazy taxi. The slow, ‘let’s learn how to park’ typical style bus games are mind numbingly boring.

At least the games I found were free (and of varying levels of playability and quality). Then again realize that some of the last games showcased on this blogs were only not free, but that people were willing to buy them. I don’t know if I should be on this planet anymore.

*And no, I don’t mean the people who actually train and drive buses for a living; I mean those amongst us who would play anything as long as it had color and sounds.

Dear Hospital Bus Loop Rider

I know, I know. It’s grossly unfair to poke at you in your hunched over homely state. Of course I cannot mock what you cannot help. Your smell of elderliness or your slow timed movements. I mean, someday that’ll be me – dying young notwithstanding. Your need to sit in that same spot by the door despite others being there before you – I understand, no I get it. The fact that you are one of the elderly that insist on driving when clearly it is more a danger to yourself and the others driving around you.

But. I see you every day with that bag.

A bag full of flem, spit and I’m pretty sure vomit. Now, I feel for you that your health must be in a terrible state. I mean I have to pass by the hospital route each day to get to the mall. But man neither I nor anyone else on the bus has the heart to say to you…please stop that. Implore your doctor to have you in for overnight. Have they request a cab, or something.

Cause I’m pretty sure a bag of vomit (other than vomit inducing to the other passengers) is rather unsanitary and probably a health hazard. I doubt you like being put in such a position. In fact unlike the assorted rude, gross, and insane bus passengers I’ve had the misfortune to ride with, I rather feel bad for you. Even worry about you.

Is this why I offered to hold your food as you shyly shamble into your customary seat? Or is it simply that I know that’ll be me in my future. I don’t know. And well…I wish for your health.

And for you to someday not have need of that bag full of vomit.

Dear Bus driver for my stop at 9:45am

I so enjoy running out to meet you for my Tuesday morning commute – or lets hop random buses and arrive at a place 30 minutes away in 2 hours. But I accept this as me being carless am happy to get to my destination on time at all.

I recall looking so attentively at the bus route website, double and triple checking the route and times. I even made sure to account for detours. I wake up two hours early; the stop is only a 10 minute brisk walk from my place. I know of the ‘arrive 10 minutes early rule’ and make sure I am walking there 20 minutes early.

Yet I walk there 20 minutes early going by my watch – my stop not just on the main street but across requiring me to hit a cross walk light. I cross – only to see you speeding right on by. Now. You’ve seen me before. I ride the bus on this day, every Tuesday, without fail. Not for just a month of two but the full month. You’ve seen me; you even know what location I will drop off at.

But I watch you, not so much as glance at me or my stop. You don’t even try to slow at the stop; it’s at a rather visible 7-11 by the way. You know, the one by the one of the three local banks surrounding it. The stop isn’t a small one. But if I’m not within feet even though I’m running you book it. This area isn’t a terrible one either, no real high incidence of robbery or crime in a clean cut college town. No random drunks to cause you grief, just little 5’2” me wanting for once to make my appointment on time just this once. It’s a game to you isn’t it? Well, enjoy your winning streak at out pacing a human hitting the ground running. I’ll just bother the HRT building 5 minutes away. Might as well since I’ve missed my appointment – again.

Sincerely, the disgruntled chick trying to get to one doctor’s appointment on time this year.

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